Monday, March 24, 2008

My Fears

People often ask if I am afraid for my future Peace Corps service. I think I would be crazy to not be afraid. So here is a list of all the unreasonable and reasonable fears in no particular order.

1. Getting raped
2. Getting more sick than just a cold
3. Seeing a child die
4. Being outside of my comfortable worship style
5. Dealing with the absence of people that understand me
6. Returning to feel that I've missed out on the people I love
7. Not being able to stick it out full term
8. Coming back and feeling even more alienated from my peers
9. Being inadequate according to my job description
10. Bitterness rising in the hearts of my friends and family while Im gone
11. Meeting the other Peace Corps volunteers
12. Being unable to solve a problem
13. Losing my mind
14. Offending an elder in my community
15. Losing the ability to safely walk around outside at night
16. My religion being confused with my nationality

Most of all Im afraid of not trying. So even though some of these fears may become realities, living with a "what if" is the ultimate fear.

Monday, March 10, 2008

To my Debit

Somedays I feel really separated from the people I do life with everyday, my community. I think its because of dreams.

Everyone has dreams but not everyone has hope of dreams coming true.

College is a great supporter of dreams. It creates this atmosphere for dreams to safely turn into successes and failures. Most of my community still thrive in this safe environment.

And Im on the Rim.

I havent stepped out away from the environment so I am still enticed by the atmosphere. Im waiting to tip off the Rim, to step or to run into a brickwall perhaps but mostly Im just waiting.

And what does waiting do to your dreams?

They become goals or fantasies. I know now which of my dreams have turned into goals, as plans and details are outlined. I know now which of my dreams have turned into fantasies, no longer allowed to be failures because I completed the allotted time inside the safe environment.

Do you know what it is like share a conversation with a safe dreamer - - oh the possibilities between that safe dreamer and a lonely categorized Waiter on the Rim...

For now follow the goals.
Adhere to the rules:
1. Never one plate
2. Once a day, every other day
3. I got 5 on it
4. Ventii is my treat

When safety is not guaranteed it is achieved through a haven in the mind.
Tomorrow takes care of itself only when I wake up from yesterday.