A South African bar rant, "Those fuckin rich people that cut themselves are just doing it for attention. Because Daddy doesnt love them enough."
Why is that wrong?
The actions we take for attention. For control. Some people are workaholics. Some get tattoos. Some dress outlandlishly. Some drink and some fuck. But if thats not your vice and you dont "get it" then you shame the others.
The first time I hurt myself intentionally I was 14 and my family was going to move again. I didnt know how to express my disagreement for the proposed move while still supporting my family. As Ive matured Ive learned better communication skills and I dont internalize everything as I once did. But sometimes in extreme grief and confusion I am tempted and take the past actions of a scared and lonely girl.
When I visited the states I was amazed at the speed of life and the individual directions everyone moved in. We live in a time period and culture that demands movement and progress. To stop and feel and reflect is to stop production and spit in the face of the norm. Maybe in all this we are isolating the essential human cravings for love and community.
Sometimes I think of designs. Most days I think its ridiculous. Other days I can still see the faded scars on my skin. I go online and read blogs and articles aimed at helping those that self-injure. It always ends in frustration because the advice is for teenagers and that angst of youth. Which I feel far removed from. I may be merely 25 but are 30 or 40 or 50 year olds not haunted from their youth?
I have access to professional help and I have utilized that option. I just wish there were articles written by adults that struggled with self-injury. There are plenty of comments by loved ones of cutters that wonder why their child or sister or friend would do this. And to those loved ones, I say its ok. We all crave attention and search for a means to control our lives. Not everyone's scars are physical.
Sometimes if you cant receive the help you desire, you must first offer that to someone else.
Today I strive to reject the shame and love my scars. May you do the same.
2 comments:
Hi Brit. Thank you for sharing your scars. I remember the time I heard you share to a group of teens in Colorado about your experience with cutting. The audience was very quiet and i know you touched hearts, mine included. I have a scar on my arm from a time i cut myself out of anger at myself when I was a teen. I think it was more out of anger/embarassement at myself then control but...maybe that's the same thing? I was just thinking yesterday, i will be 55 in February....in 5 years I'll be 60! Yet, I still sometimes feel like that scared little dude. I hope as you say there will be more material provided for mature people dealing with this. Love you much baby. Inspired by your courage to be so honest. Daddy
No shame. Courage and love. Thanks for this, Brittney.
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