Dinner Party

I’m not really that great at inviting people over. I usually like it when there is a group of people relaxing and enjoying each other’s company but I suck at remembering to ask the people to come in the first place. This fact aside, the Parental Units were leaving town so my Mini-Me brother and I decided to have a mildly entertaining dinner party. After we failed at getting our older sibling to attend (and by attend, we meant cook) I knew it was up to me to financially and humorously fund this feast.
Why?
Because Mini-Me had invited his two best-friends (T-Bone who resembles Achilles the Brad Pitt version and Sunshine the California Golden Boy) and his current infatuation (the younger sister of my ex-classmate who was a perfect eccentric queen) which meant he was gonna try to impress her by lame conversation and over-seasoned cooking.
Damn it.
To even out this hormonal company I invited a family friend who was home from the Army and even though he is our sister’s ex-boyfriend Mini-Me and I still enjoy laughing at his good natured Mexican expense.

First stop, the grocery store with Mini-Me and the girl. I know that I should give her a chance to out-cool her eccentric queen sibling so I excuse her high heels on an average high school day as simple fashion in a player hatin’ world.
Sidenote: I like people based on two criteria. The first being that they laugh at my wit and the second being that they answer my questions intelligently.
She laughed at the way I carried the green bean cans. And then suggested we get salad. While I stood there trying to decide how she had usurped my two criteria, Mini-Me collected the remaining food parcels and we retreated to the house.

Mini-Me was cooking up a storm and so I attempted to engage High Heels in some conversation. Her I.Q. seeped through her multiple-syllable vocabulary as she referred to her surgeon father and the family’s culminating efforts to serve his non-profit save the planet and its people organization. Seeing how exasperated I was after finding the salad bowl, not to mention comparing myself to Miss Fashion Captain Planet, I went into the other room to watch tv.

This is when the real dilemma entered the evening. Family Guy promised an episode devoted to Stewie (I greatly admire his cynicism) but thinking back to High Heels’ comment on her inability to watch tv due to her planet saving schedule, I was prompted to contemplate CNN so as to impress her with my current events interest (and by this I mean my Anderson Cooper interest). I settled on timed increments between the two, hoping her ignorance would think Family Guy was insightful parenting commercials.

T-Bone and Sunshine arrived on-time wearing sunglasses shading their illuminating egos. Mini-Me winked at where I was to sit, strategically chosen so his spot caused his elbows to poke High Heels throughout the meal.

I stare at the empty chair right when T-Bone says, “Who is the other plate for?”
Mini-Me reflects the question to me, “Hey yea, where is that poco soldier?”
Did I just get stood up by my little sister’s ex-boyfriend?
Damn it!
Sunshine expresses disbelief that Mini-Me cooked the entire meal when High Heels defended him by stating, “Brittany watched Family Guy for the three of us.”
Damn it!

My response, “I found the salad bowl.”

Blind Feelings

I feel like Im standing in the middle of a room with people bustling around. Maybe somewhere like Panera. Im blindfolded and holding a jar full of marbles. My marbles.

Something tipped the jar and all the marbles spilled out. Now my jar is empty. But I can hear the marbles rolling on the wood floor.

I cant see them so I cant reach to pick them up.

So do I drop the jar and let it smash into pieces on the wood floor...
Or do I fill the jar with something else?

My Fears

People often ask if I am afraid for my future Peace Corps service. I think I would be crazy to not be afraid. So here is a list of all the unreasonable and reasonable fears in no particular order.

1. Getting raped
2. Getting more sick than just a cold
3. Seeing a child die
4. Being outside of my comfortable worship style
5. Dealing with the absence of people that understand me
6. Returning to feel that I've missed out on the people I love
7. Not being able to stick it out full term
8. Coming back and feeling even more alienated from my peers
9. Being inadequate according to my job description
10. Bitterness rising in the hearts of my friends and family while Im gone
11. Meeting the other Peace Corps volunteers
12. Being unable to solve a problem
13. Losing my mind
14. Offending an elder in my community
15. Losing the ability to safely walk around outside at night
16. My religion being confused with my nationality

Most of all Im afraid of not trying. So even though some of these fears may become realities, living with a "what if" is the ultimate fear.

To my Debit

Somedays I feel really separated from the people I do life with everyday, my community. I think its because of dreams.

Everyone has dreams but not everyone has hope of dreams coming true.

College is a great supporter of dreams. It creates this atmosphere for dreams to safely turn into successes and failures. Most of my community still thrive in this safe environment.

And Im on the Rim.

I havent stepped out away from the environment so I am still enticed by the atmosphere. Im waiting to tip off the Rim, to step or to run into a brickwall perhaps but mostly Im just waiting.

And what does waiting do to your dreams?

They become goals or fantasies. I know now which of my dreams have turned into goals, as plans and details are outlined. I know now which of my dreams have turned into fantasies, no longer allowed to be failures because I completed the allotted time inside the safe environment.

Do you know what it is like share a conversation with a safe dreamer - - oh the possibilities between that safe dreamer and a lonely categorized Waiter on the Rim...

For now follow the goals.
Adhere to the rules:
1. Never one plate
2. Once a day, every other day
3. I got 5 on it
4. Ventii is my treat

When safety is not guaranteed it is achieved through a haven in the mind.
Tomorrow takes care of itself only when I wake up from yesterday.

Studio's Word

I tried so hard in the past to die that now I wake up everyday surprised Im alive. Somedays I take pride in my ability to hide and even though I claim in God is where I abide perhaps it's merely fear that I strive to conceal
lest I contrive relief for this life revealed
In Him I confide and perhaps that is why in the Church all I learn is how to divide
Multiply my rhymes until they're more than empty lines
of free speech because hate in me is deceased no longer living diseased but released to see His ultimate glory cuz Im
wholly imploring How To
holy exploring What For
poorly exploiting Why Be
whoring?

Making A Decision

I never knew I had a problem with being unproductive, until I became homeless. "Became Homeless" like I completed a course in order to be fully prepared to live a life of doing nothing.

I thought I could make the decision if she didnt care and if I could convince myself that she didnt need me. I was unprepared to battle my own neediness because fuck it if she is content with or without me, I am totally boring without her.

It would be easy if I didnt have friends or family. I would be homeless and have nobody to talk to besides myself. And I would too, I would wander up and down city streets talking to myself and wearing a Fresh coat.

being homeless is all about the coat and making a decision is all about other people.

Rich Young Ruler

Im coming to the end of my month of service at the City Rescue Mission. I thought I would be moving back to California but it looks like the Lord has other plans.

Last Wednesday I prayed with some friends about the direction to take now that my Peace Corps service is delayed until early June. On Friday the Mission offered me a position as an R.A. which includes housing. But my real interest is on the building across the street from the Mission (refugeokc.com) which is in the midst of a crazy transformation from a crackhouse to a peace-filled Refuge building for Jesus. On Friday I also got a call from a girl that is moving in to the Refuge and is supported as a missionary from her church. She has enough support to cover me for the 3 months that I now have to serve in what ever way God guides.

So God answers prayers in big ways. And as of Feb 1st I will be living (in the Mission or the Refuge) among the homeless and abused in downtown OKC and trying my best to be a faithful servant.